15 3 / 2012
I see they way they look at you. Smiling. Flirting. Gazing.
You are a muse to them. But it makes sense… you are amazing.
The way words flow out of your mouth, like gushing waterfalls,
Excites them so they stare at you like perky Barbie dolls.
Mysterious yet gentle. A lions roar with a hint of humility.
With loving arms you welcome. Pretending to provide stability.
Inside lurks insecurities. You hide the pain with ease.
If only they looked deeper inside, they would see your heart’s disease.
But this is nothing new to you. Attention is like the morning’s yawn.
Although your bones barely keep you up, you keep on pressing on.
The crowd keeps growing, just like your ego. You recognize your power.
They call for you, over and over, no matter what the hour.
You long for the days that now are in the past. For who you used to be.
I knew you back then, before the time harassed us both to be new and free.
Before the fame. Before the hurt and the pain.
Before they all knew you were the greatest friend to gain.
I loved you first.
13 3 / 2012
Can I toot my own horn for a sec? I’m just really excited and need to celebrate this moment.
First of all: I reached my 5% weight loss goal! (Which means I lost 5% of my body weight). WHOOT. Took me a bit longer than I was hoping for, but I made it there without giving up. Gonna keep moving forward!
Second: I am about to graduate in less that 7 weeks. YAY! Graduation here I come.
Celebrating perseverance through the tough times to victory! Horay! :D
11 3 / 2012
10 3 / 2012
Sometimes I wonder if people only come across one true love in their life. Maybe they love again. But it can never match the one they never wished to let go.
24 2 / 2012
It’s coming up. Your birthday. And the day that marks a year since you’ve been gone. I can’t help but think about you. Can’t seem to wrap my mind that it’s been more than a year since I’ve talked to you. How I wish I could hear your voice one more time. To hear you say my name in that way you used to say it.
I’ll be honest. I have some regrets. But there is nothing I can do about them now. I wish I spoke to you more during those three months between Christmas and spring breaks. I don’t even remember calling you. I don’t even remember if I gave you a hug before I left for school. I took those moments for granted. I took you for granted.
I remember thinking in the months prior how thankful I was for you. How I didn’t know how my life would go without your support. But I never even thanked you how I wanted to. So thank you dad!
I guess I’m managing. That is until I think about you. Until a moment like this one comes up when I feel like Niagara falls are coming out of my eyes.
You used to visit me in my dreams. I loved seeing you. But waking up without you was like losing you all over again.
And although it’s been almost a whole year… I still have a hard time believing its true. That I can’t call you on the phone. Cant touch your hand. Cant embrace you.
But all of that is just the body. You were more than that. Your spirit and your heart is what I really loved about you. Loved more than I realized in all those moments before.
And I wish you really knew me. Knew me better than I allowed you to know me. I know we didn’t always see eye to eye. But even though you didn’t give me life, I was still your daughter. You accepted me as that. And you were my father. I accepted you that way too.
Maybe sometimes I just need to cry for you. I hold it in so much and push out thoughts of you for fear to feel exactly how I’m feeling now. Helpless. And I miss you.
I miss you in the worst way because I know I can’t see your face until I reach that place when my time here is done too. But perhaps you’ll have a different face. Will I recognize you? Actually. I know I will. Still. You are the only one I truly ever miss.
I know it was your time. But I still am not sure why. And I’m still not sure why I went to that wedding instead of coming home that night. I would have seen you at least one last time. Maybe it would have made things worse. I dont know.
The only thing in life that’s certain is death. Ironic.
But whatever. It doesn’t change the fact that I miss you dad.
19 2 / 2012
Today I had an interesting dream. What at first seemed to be a disturbing nightmare turned out to be a dream I could not forget because it held important truths about God, sin, and the enemy. The dreams begins like this…
It was a regular day in my hometown. I was going to school and life seemed to be going well. I was asked out by a boy on-line whom I had never met before, but after some consideration I decided to give him a shot. We agreed to meet at the movies for our date. When I arrived, I was surprised to see how tall and handsome he was. In fact, he was so tall that when I hugged him, my head only came up to his bellybutton. He had beautiful blonde locks and was dressed to perfection. Not only was he good looking, he also had a lot of money. He seemed like the perfect guy.
Only ten minutes after entering the theater and sitting through the previews did I realize that I forgot about a class I had to go to. I apologized for ditching on the date, but he understood and walked me out. This is when everything began to become strange. As we walked out into the sun out of the dark theater, I realized that the guy I was with was no longer tall and handsome, and now was very short and ugly. He no longer spoke intelligently and was dressed in ordinary clothes. I asked him what had happened to him and his responded strangely, “oh it’s the sex camp.”
“What?!” I asked.
“Oh, you don’t know?” he responded.
He proceeded to take me to a place underground. It was dark and wet, like in a cave, with red lights as the main source. There were three guards standing in front of a giant door. They told me I could not enter because I did not belong there. I was “too pure.” I wanted to get in so badly. Then something strange came over me. I jumped on one of the guards and started acting all crazy to prove that I was dirty enough to enter. The guards finally agreed that I could go inside.
Stepping through the door was like stepping into a dance club. The lights were low, there was loud music playing and some people dancing next to a bar. But the people in this place were not happy and excited. They walked around half naked, with sad and fearful faces, and a sense of brokenness deep within them. I tried to keep quiet and go unnoticed. I sat down on one of the couches in the corner of the room and observed the people. I could see this was only the entrance and felt that there was more than meets the eye.
Then a girl came up to me and asked me to dance with her. She was wearing very little clothing and seemed to be drugged up. I told her I would dance with her so not to make a scene. As we were dancing she asked me a question. “Are you fully theirs yet?” I was confused and asked her for clarification. But in my asking, she got afraid and said, “no, I guess you’re not.” Then she walked away.
In that moment I realized all that was going on around me. The light in my mind had turned on and all was clear to see. I was surrounded by people enslaved in the sex industry. But this was just the beginning. I realized that the guy who brought me there, along with all of these people, were worshiping Satan. For worshiping him, Satan would give them all they wanted: good looks, money, power, and pleasure. But these things were only temporary. The people were addicted to the things Satan gave them and they became a slave to him. They had to keep returning to get more those “good things” they wanted, but it just kept sucking them more and more inside the darkness. After a while, some could not even leave the underground. They went past the “entrance” and deep into slavery for the evil one.
This dreams reveals a lot to us about sin and how we are slaves to it. At first it seems appealing, fun, and pleasurable. But then it captures us and we keep wanting more and more. Sin gives us what we want, but only for a short amount of time. After the glamor wears off, we are back to our broken, ugly selves (like the guy was). The enemy lies to us that we can have all the pleasures of the world if we only fulfill our fresh desires, but it does not tell us that it will become our master.
This also makes me realize the greatness of God. He is the only one who can truly make us free and give us everlasting joy. I know the word “everlasting” is so overused in Christianity, but that’s because there is merit in that word. God is eternal, and that makes his love and peace eternal also. God does not create conditions for us or enslave us to worship Him. He gave us free will so that we could walk away if we wanted to. But He also has an abundance of love that will welcome us back when we return.
Although it may seem obvious of the choice we should make between evil and God, it’s not always as easy. The world, and the enemy, tells us that the pleasurable things are beauty, sex, money, power, and fame. But has anyone ever really possessed these things for eternity? No.
But God offers us real good things that are eternal. And to think how much we reject that for one night of “fun” that only leaves us empty and broken afterwards. This is not my judgement on humanity by any means, because I myself have chosen to go for the desires of my flesh over God on more than one occasion. But this dream I had gave me a scary yet very real realization of how powerful evil and God’s love are. It also reminded me how real the spiritual world is and how much we really interact with it. We may not think we are worshiping the enemy when we choose evil over God, but we are definitely not worshiping or choosing God. Everyone worships something, whether they know it or not. What is the one thing you think about most? Do the most? That is probably what you are worshiping. What is worshiping that thing bring into your life? Is it brokenness, anger, sadness, depression? Or is it peace, love, joy, and security?
08 2 / 2012
Don’t give me no lines, I hear em all the time.
I’d have diabetes if I ate all the sweet nothings your feeding.
Be honest and real and tell me how you truly feel.
Cuz I’m not just a dime, I’m the whole dollar, so if you’d be so kind, be a man or don’t even bother.
Listen. I ain’t trying to play games, ain’t trying to stir no flames.
I want to like you because you’re different than the others,
because you understand me more than my own sisters and brothers.
Not because we’re cooing sweet words to appease our loneliness,
or because you find me attractive and want my body to caress.
Listen. Don’t call me baby just cuz you hope I will be one day.
Today is not that day, and I don’t want our hearts to run away unless you’re really gonna stay.
You say, your wife you want to make me, but I all I hear is a cliche.
Don’t know if to believe what you tell me, maybe it’s just my mind you’re trying to sway.
Listen. I’m kind of a dreamer. I believe in passion, and soul mates, and love.
Although I’m a believer… I’m also honest with myself.
I know what I want and what I deserve. A man like Christ. I’m the church He served.
And if you’re that man, I will always respect you. And only then I’ll say “I do.”
-Anya Frolova (2/8/12)